i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
