obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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