Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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