i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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