I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
