I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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