yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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