Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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