Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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