She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
