so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
