Where are you?
In a non slutty way
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
