I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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