gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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