Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Randomize
