Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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