i love accidental penises.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize