Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
