Can i not drive my cunt home
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize