The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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