Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
