I wish my penis had an off switch
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
