....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
