The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
