I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Ketchup is God's man juice
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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