Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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