I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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