It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
