she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize