it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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