her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
