Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
