I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize