Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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