I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
