Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
There r osticjed everywhere
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
