It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
