I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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