God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
