if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
