meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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