If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
