WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
