The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
How does one acquire holy water?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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