dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
