I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
In America we eat man semen.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
