AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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