Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
