remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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