Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
