does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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