It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
