oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
