Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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