you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
