Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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