i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
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