1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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