Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
