dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
