Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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